LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Gary Drier, a General Convention Deputy from the Diocese of Fond du Lac, shared this satirical missive with the Bishops/Deputies listserv today. I reprint it with his permission.

The Rt. Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori
815
NY, NY

Dear Bishop Schori:

We heard about your interest in real estate, especially old church buildings. On the chance you are looking not just at just high end properties, you may want to investigate a gothic fix up.

It needs a little work: roof (some slate shingles slid off); walls (gaps in tuckpointing here and there); doors (main doors stick); heating (some radiators leak); floors (terrazzo has lost its seal) and plumbing (urinal bowl will not fully evacuate).

On the bright side, the property is home to some entertaining bats.

Our vestry recently passed a resolution to affiliate with the Anglican Conference of Mediocre Edifices (ACME). ACME is not in communion with The Episcopal Church.

Could you PLEASE hire some lawyers to take over this building and fix it up?

Sincerely,

Eddie Fuss

A short time later, this response also found its way to the Bishops/Deputies list:

Mr. Eddie Fuss
% St. Swithin's Episcopal Church
Smallville, WI 53850

Dear Mr. Fuss,

I am in receipt of your letter regarding the disposition of your church building. As you are no doubt aware, congregations can leave the Episcopal Church, but buildings cannot.

My extensive legal team and I have considered the matter you have placed before us, and we must state that your property does not have sufficient value for us to be interested. In suing various congregations around the US, we have primarily selected those properties whose sale can net a considerable return, given that any effort to maintain a ministry in them will likely not result in a congregation capable of paying the utility bills, much less the other costs associated with the upkeep of the building.

I need to inform you that since your congregation has chosen to affiliate with the Anglican Conference of Mediocre Edifices (ACME), we have empowered the sexton (as the only remaining person whom we recognize as having any interest in the building) to sell the building as a restaurant, tavern, night club or any enterprise that does not involve its use as a place of Anglican worship. It sounds as though the St. Swithin's building has excellent potential as a Halloween House of Horrors.

You will soon be hearing from my attorneys who will, unless we change our minds, sue you in your own person for your leadership role in affiliating with the Anglican Conference of Mediocre Edifices (ACME). I also need to state that if your bishop attempts to negotiate any sort of settlement contrary to our expressed wishes, we will sue him also.

Love and Peace,

The Most Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori


(posted and possibly even written by
Robert Munday, Deputy from Quincy)