Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Holiday Eating Tips

1.  Avoid carrot sticks, (also celery, broccoli, cauliflower, etc.)  Anyone who puts raw vegetables on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see any little trays with raw vegetables, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  It's rare...  You cannot find it any other time of year but now--especially the homemade kind.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.  It's a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me.  Have two.  It's Christmas!

3.  If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

4.  As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass.  Why bother?  It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5.  Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food.  For free.  Lots of it.  Hello?

6.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7.  If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They're like the person you wish you had asked for a date in high school.  If you miss the opportunity, you'll never see them again.

8.  The same goes for pies.  Apple, Pumpkin, Pecan, Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and two pumpkin.  Always have four.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?

9.  Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid fruitcake at all cost.  I mean, after all, you have to have some standards.

10.  One final tip:  If you don't have trouble walking when you get up from the table or leave the party, you haven't been paying attention.  Re-read the above tips; start over.  But hurry, January is just around the corner.

Also, remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO!  What a ride!"  At least that's my advice until it comes time to make my New Year's Resolutions.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!


Alexi said...


Alexi said...

Ahh, I'm going to need some expando-waist pants.

Fr. Ed Monk said...

Now Father, I am going to have to take exception to the fruitcake comment, as fruitcake keeps Corsicana, TX alive.


Robert S. Munday said...

Fr. Monk, Oops, I forgot to say, "except for Texas Fruitcake."

It could be risky to say that Corsicana, TX is the Fruitcake Capital of the World, lest it be misunderstood. But I do understand that the Colin Street Bakery sells about 3 million pounds of fruitcake each year, or about 1.5 million individual cakes. So there are definitely a lot of fruitcakes in Corsicana (no pun intended).